Our Boss is a Big Baby
Say for instance, you work at a school. The principal hired you. However, during your first week, you get 78 memos from the computer teacher. She also signs your paychecks.
Your co-workers inform you that she is your actual boss. When she is sick, it's your fifth grade student's mother.
Well, in our house, the actual leader is our 1-year-old. Only his preferred job title is "ruler."
If he has one bottle, he wants two. When he wakes up in his crib, and we rush in to pick him up, he throws a fit. He wanted us to get him before he wanted us to get him.
We occasionally laugh at the baby's demands ("Candy for breakfast, ha ha, I don't think so, Tiny Tot.") This makes him livid. To get back at us, he throws the dog food in the dog's water. This makes our whole house smell like beef liver. Another favorite prank: throwing the portable phone in the trash.
All this upheavel requires a lot of cleaning. But who has time? His majesty wants a playmate at all times. And not some kid, either. He demands a grownup, like he perceives himself to be. We play blocks. Then, seconds later, trains. Next books. No, coloring. No, blocks.Trains.Books.Coloring. Blockstrainsbookscoloring. Like a lot of bosses, he has ADHD.
The situation has gotten out of hand. Justin asked the other night how long this behavior would last.
Well, a lot of people think this age is called "the terrible twos" and lasts one year. In fact it's "the terrible toos" because it lasts too damn long. It begins at 18 months and drags on until they're four years old...or forever, in some cases.
I pray to God it's the first option.
Tonight, we were eating dinner. Well, somebody decided he no longer has time to eat with his family. In fact, he tried to drag each of us by the hand into the living room while we ate.
Apparently, he sent out a memo earlier in the day that said:
There is a mandatory staff meeting in the living room at 5 p.m. or whenever you hoped to eat dinner. No food is allowed. If you miss this session, you can pick up your remote control at the city dump later in the week.
P.S. Come prepared to discuss...me.
He is a very effective boss--he sure keeps us on our toes! But the problem is, we don't need another ruler. As it is, everybody around here thinks they are the boss of everybody else.
So he needs a new job in the family. His skill set includes: Tackling. Eating. Destroying things. Legos. He is good with animals. At times, he acts like an animal. Mostly a puppy. Sometimes an alligator. Other times a teddybear. Hmm. I think he would make a good baby.
Just don't tell him that. He already had new business cards made. They say:
J.J. Heos, master of the universe forever.
Or until age four, anyway.