I'd Like to Thank the Academy

How many friendships end on the Academy Awards stage, I wonder.

Every time multiple winners take the stage, the first guy hogs the microphone.

First he says, "I wasn't going to tell this story, but I'll tell it anyway."

The second guy in line rolls his eyes.

The first guy finishes his story and thanks everyone he's ever worked with.

The second guy fights back tears as he watches the clock tick.

Finally, the first guy thanks his wife and his mother, who he tells a story about.

The next guy in line makes a mental note to kill the first guy in line.

Finally, the first guy steps aside. The second guy rushes to the microphone. Just then, the music plays.

He opens his mouth to speak, but a guy wearing a tuxedo leads him away by the elbow.

Last night, one poor award winner could only yell, "Linda!" before being escorted off stage.

The award was for something like best technical sound. It was his one chance to be on camera.

Oh well, better luck next year.

But you know what always surprises me about the Oscars? The number of winners who say, "Oh, my God! I didn't even write a speech."

Let me get this straight. They have a one in four chance of winning the most coveted award in America, and they didn't jot down a few notes? I've written an Academy Awards speech. And I'm not even an actress.

I love the Academy Awards, though. Especially the red carpet. It's like a chance to relive prom without actually having to be there, this time.

This year, I thought Ellen DeGeneres was hilarious as the host, especially during the offstage moments.

I also liked when a woman with an accent accepted her Best Costume award and said, "I wanted to win the doll, but I was also frightened."

She called the Oscar a doll. Like it was a Bingo prize. I loved that.

As for the big awards, I missed them. There were only so many times I could watch people win without getting to give a speech.

On that note, I'd like to thank the Academy for the doll. I won something similar at Bingo, but not as heavy. This is heavy! Seriously. I can barely lift it. Anyway. I'd like to thank myself for putting up with everybody at Universal and Paramount. I'd like to thank my mom and dad, my inlaws my brothers and sisters, and their inlaws. I'd like to thank my husband and children. I'm sorry I didn't get to see much of you this year, but it was worth it. For me at least it was...(Music plays, and from behind me somebody leans into the microphone and yells, "Linda!" I guess I wasn't the only one on our team who wanted to give a speech. Oops!)