All Saints (and Candy Sneekers) Day
He spent three hours today with his candy. Counting it. Staring at it. Asking questions about it.
He held up a pink tootsie pop.
"If I eat this will I turn into a girl?" he asked.
"Yes," I said.
He kept it anyway.
Nothing can keep Richie away from his Halloween candy. Or any kid for that matter. Do you want your kid to be a prodigy? Rig up your piano to shell out one piece of his Halloween candy for every new symphony he composes. By Thanksgiving, you'll have the next Mozart on your hands.
Richie had to wait until after lunch to actually eat the candy.
"I'm going to hide," he told me.
"What are you hiding from?" I asked.
"I don't have to tell you," he said. "Because it isn't a secret."
He hid under the kitchen sink between the trash can and recycle bin.
Oddly, whenever he hid, candy disappeared from it's wrapper. Coincidentally, I found the crumpled wrappers right where Richie had been hiding. (In spite of the fact that the trashcan was only three centimeters away.)
The third time he did this, I said, "Leave the candy on the table."
"But I'm not going to eat it," he said.
"Then why do you need to bring it with you?" I asked.
Richie laughed nervously. Then he tried to sneek a piece from right under my eyes.
I've said it once and I'll say it again. My children think I'm an idiot.
J.J., too, became addicted to candy last night. At first, he wasn't too happy about his Bumblebee costume. It denied him easy access to his own belly. J.J. likes to have one hand on his bare tummy at all times. It's his security belly. Reassurance that he could survive a famine. The bulkiness of the bumblebee costume made this hard.
But he changed his toon when he learned that tootsie rolls were the reward for being a bee.
Johnny, too was serious about candy. He trick-or-treated like it was his job. And he noted, "A lot of people in our neighborhood don't celebrate Halloween."
Indeed, a lot of people, like our next door neighbor, turn out their lights and lock the doors. But sweetheart that she is, our neighbor brought each of the boys a little bag of candy.This allowed her to explain why she doesn't celebrate Halloween: It's because nowadays, most trick or treats are poisoned or filled with razorblades. Not to mention that many jack-o-lanterns are traps set by pedophiles.
"It's a dumb holiday," she said. "And it's going out of style."
So much for Halloween cheer.
We did have a Halloween miracle. Or so I thought. Richie gave me half a bag of skittles. HE GAVE AWAY CANDY! But as I ate them, I noticed the vibrant color was washed off of them.
"Did you lick these?!" I asked.
"No," Richie said, Raising his real eyebrows to the smug height of his fake ones. "Johnny did."
And now the kids won't even give me their spicy candy. They plan to trade it with teenagers. Apparently there is a black market for Halloween candy that us grownups don't know about.
Well, enough about Halloween. Our easy listening radio station is already playing Christmas music today. Before the kids even polish off their Halloween candy. Now that's scary.