Academy Award Predictions

Tonight is the Academy Awards. Wall.E is the only movie on the list I've seen, so I don't know who is going to win, but I still have several of predictions about the ceremony:


1. Nobody will have a speech prepared. To me, this is the height of dropping the ball. Seriously, who doesn't prepare for winning an Oscar? Case in point: Raise your hand if you have an Academy Awards speech written or could write one on a moment's notice or would write one if there were a one in five chance of you winning. See? Everybody's hand is raised.


2. An exception: the nonactor nominees, such as the costume designers, will have a speech prepared. And Mickey Rourke. In a prewritten speech at the Golden Globes, he thanked his dogs. Given that most white actors don't even bother to thank their mothers or the Lord, I thought that was refreshing.

3. Somebody will say they are humbled to win an Oscar. As an English major, I'd like to point out that "humbled" and "honored" are not synonyms. Granted, they both start with the letter "h," but don't let that confuse you. You are "honored" to win an award. You are "humbled" to, say, appear in Us Magazine with the headline: "Stars Pick Their Nose...just like us!"

4. If host Hugh Jackman cracks a joke about anyone in Hollywood, nobody will laugh. This makes me think actors hail from another planet on which people don't laugh at others' expense. I've tried to relate to this. For instance, what if a comedian came to a PTA meeting and starting cracking jokes about the other parents at the school? I would be laughing my head off and so would everybody else. Jokes about other people=funny.

5. On the red carpet, the same question will be asked over and over: What are you wearing? As if the viewers are jotting it down on their grocery list. Question for those watching at home: Does it run big or small? Is it machine washable? In contrast, when Kathy Griffin hosted the event, she asked hilarious questions such as "If you don't win tonight, who are you going to fire tomorrow?" But she won't be working the Oscars this year, unfortunately.


6. Regardless of these annoyances, I will watch the Oscars as if my life depended on it. The glamour. The glitz. The tears. Even the over-seriousness. I eat it up like buttery popcorn. I cried when 3-6 Mafia won three years ago for the song "Hard Out Here for a Pimp." Not because I thought the world was going to hell in a handbasket. Or because I think it really is hard out here for a pimp (I would think it was harder out here for a ho, but honestly, I have no idea.) I cried because they were so excited to win. Likewise, I hope Slumdog Millionaire wins because it would be a Cindarella story worthy of a box office hit.

All these things make the bull honky/lack of preparation easy to take.

As for my speech, I would like to thank the Academy, my mother, and Jesus. To the other actors nominated, there must have been some pregnant chads involved because you guys deserved to win. But seriously, they double checked everything and I did win.

Hmm...maybe it's harder to write these things than I originally thought.