If Your Boss Were...

When I worked at the newspaper, I interviewed a stay-at-home dad who said, "I work for the most demanding, difficult, micromanaging boss in the world, and I love it." He was talking about his two-year-old daughter.

Ever since, I've wondered what it would be like if bosses in the working world acted like the little bosses at home.

Let's start with babies.

If your boss were 9 months old, he would...

Call you into his office by crying loudly.
React positively (laughing, yelling, bouncing up and down in his seat) to any presentation that involved clapping.
Forget about his dissatisfaction with your work performance when you held a cloth over your face and said, "Where am I? Where am I? Peekaboo!"
Fly off the handle if his lunch didn't arrive the moment he realized he was hungry.
Solve all office disagreements with a big hug.
Think you were talking to him when you were really talking on the phone. He would sit by you, answer your questions with a smile, laugh when you laughed, and finally grab the phone from you and chew on it.
Show you proudly how he could pick up a cheerio, put it down and pick it up again.
Rate your performance solely on whether you could keep a full glass of milk in front of him at all times (and how often your presentations included clapping.)
Make you feel like a valued employee by crying when you left the office for the day.

If you boss were three years old, he would...

Call you into his office by yelling your name 10 times in a row at the top of his lungs.
Enjoy any presentation where you casually used foul language, such as "butt in the pants," and "booty in the butt." Example..."In conclusion, we need to put our butt in the pants and get this done."
Forget that he was mad at you when you gave him a piece of candy.
Fly off the handle for any reason at all...he ran out of paper, couldn't find his stapler, his roller chair got stuck on a snag in the carpeting, he woke up too early, etc.
Solve office strife by tattling on someone.
Show you proudly how he could jump from his chair to his desk without touching the floor.
Rate your performance solely on your ability to stay in character as whichever superhero he proclaimed you to be for the day.
Ask you to show that he is a valuable boss by scratching his back and belly at the end of the day.

If your boss were 5 years old, he would...

Call you into his office by saying, "There's something you've gotta see." You would know right away that it was a giant cockroach or other disgusting insect.
Appreciate any presentation that included exploding volcanos.
Forget that he was mad at you when you explained to him that you were looking out for the company's best interests...and gave him a piece of candy.
Go ballistic when a fellow boss ruined one of his projects just to watch him go ballistic.
Solve problems in the office by tackling the culprit.
Show you proudly how he could nurse an injured beetle back to health.
Rate your performance based on how good of sport you were when he put a worm in your hair as a hilarious office prank.

Things would always be interesting. The good news is, you'd never get fired. The bad news is you'd never get paid. But mostly, like the dad I interviewed, you would love those demanding, micromanaging little bosses.